The Unknown and Sadness

Kirk's mom and I went up to Marbridge today. I am not sure it went as I expected nor was it what I expected. It is a very nice facility with the majority of residents not having a brain injury, but other cognitive impairments, most since birth. There are several levels of care including a skilled nursing facility and a part called the Ranch. Kirk would likely live in the Ranch if he becomes a resident. The Ranch is shared bed rooms, maybe 16 rooms in the building we visited with two relaxation areas, a garden, a recreation room and an eating area. We met several residents and they were all very nice although some very special in some ways. One resident calculates your age very quickly if you tell him when you were born. I have no idea what Kirk would feel like living there. That building is much larger than Rainbow House. There are many classes, activities, games, bible studies and church options. There are green houses and gardens and animals. In the beginning it might be very overwhelming to him.

But we are there yet on this being anywhere near final. First there is no room right now. All places are full and there is one person on the waiting list. Second he is not accepted yet. They have to look at his records more and see him in person at the facility as well as hold a meeting to decide if he is a fit.

And so I have to look at other options and I have no peace of mind yet. I will be pursuing the VA again to investigate VA foster homes. I feel no relief and still a great deal of stress. And I still feel alone. Few if anyone even there is a husband and father. Few have lived a normal life until an instant in time. Few have a wife and daughter. Most have mothers, fathers, or siblings as their caregivers.

And the accident was one year ago today. I don't even know how to process that. I am so very sad. I am confused and lonely and feel like I am struggling to make decisions. Even on that very difficult life changing day this is not any possibility of what I envisioned. Those were days when I would not allow myself to think he would live. And then I knew he would live and I thought that our lives would be vastly different, but not this way. When will we be "normal" again?

Please don't stop praying for us or loving us. We still need our army of help and love.